Nothing-ness

You know when you get that feeling of sudden anger and then you regret it later on when you did something stupid... ya, im feeling that now... These tears just keeps running down drop by drop just because i dont know how to fix this...

Life is getting tiring for me, with so much goals and things to do... Exams coming up soon, and im no where near tht point, projects and labs, the work load, its alot but im still slacking, everytime when i wana do something, i lose tht motivation.... Piano exam is in March/April and Im due to register inJan but what is my progress now? Did i improve or isit still the same? I feel like such a failure but i feel so tired... I want to stand up but im giving myself excuses to fall down... Its like i dont want to stand up... Temper is getting worse and worse, i cant smile as i used to, those happy and genuine smiles, its almost over, its almost gone...

Back then, the happy and patient me, could go around being naive and gullible, enjoying life when i can and suffer at those correct points of time.... I could laugh at small matters, put it behind me and then move on... but now, i see myself as this gloomy emo person, everytime i watch an anime, i feel its such a cool characteristic, but its not me... What i feel now is not tht cool-nesss, i feel lonely... i feel alone in this world... ya, i used to talk about friends and family around me but do i really have those people in my life? would they come to my bedside if i died? yeah, mom and dad would but friends, do i really have those ppl in my life? A lover....Do i really have someone who loves me for who i m? Can they accept this me in their life? These sadness and negativity flowing from this body of mine?

Im crying again now.. but i dont know what to do.... Why did i blew up, why did i get so angry? It was a small matter, and i blame it on my limits, my patience limits but honestly i dont know why... Why did i get angry, why did i get so emotional, its not PMS, if i had PMS, it would totally explain it. but do you know why? Can you give me a reason and explaination? This heart of mine has turned darker and darker... Can i just stab this heart of mine and let the black blood flow out?

*I wrote this as an open diary, if you have any stupid comments, dont bother to write it and keep it in your head/heart, i dont need anything else to make me feel worse, thank u*

Happy Chinese New Year!! Gong Xi Fatt Chai!!

RAWRRR!!! Its the Year of the Tiger!!! =D

Wishing everyone a Happy Chinese New Year and Gong xi Fatt chai! Hope you all will always fa fa chai xD hehehe...

On CNY that day (14/2/2010), it was the same day as valentines day but apparently, none of us have a couple except for WaiLum and Eelin, we basically focus on the greatest day of the year, CNY!! hehhee... Long story short, we had a "fun" evening especially with the funniest yet scariest scenes by Hanley and Hong Men and yes Hong Men "WO JUI SHI ANNIE MAY!!" hoho! xD The nxt day, we went to see fireworks in Chinatown and man was it good, for Manchester, it is quite good... And then ah, in the streets, there's more angmo than chinese, shi bai alr la us~ HAHAHA But its alright, the atmosphere was nice and we get to see Lion dance, It was alright, not too bad but I've already missed Ivan's performance for 4 years already... By the time i go back, im sure he has retired and decided to stop playing... Haha...

Me and a part of the group during CNY... We split into 2 tables so this is the pic taken with the people in my table where we yam sie i think abt 3-4 times and got scolded by the restaurant people. OPPS! haha... And we OWN the whole STREET!! WooHoo!!

BruManch Talentime Trailer is finally out, well out few days ago already la, and if you've never seen me emo, i think i look quite emo here.. Haha.. AWESOME xD http://www.facebook.com/photos.php?id=518011603#!/video/video.php?v=318061057732&subj=815915532&oid=200968439826

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Anyways, its time for me to talk what I've been thinking today... Its the new year and I want to change myself as in dunt say say only but really do do... Today, i went for piano class and I really felt If only I've met this teacher last year instead of the previous one, I think the previous one was just focusing on getting money and not helping me properly, this one taught me techniques to improve myself and actually make me feel there might be hope for me... Time is ticking really fast before the exam comes in September and hopefully I'll be prepared and is able to get through the final stage, Grade 8. Ive been working on this for 1 yr++ now, and i hope It will run smoothly as time pass by.

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My goals for this new year 2010:

1) To get a 1st/ 2:1 for 2nd Yr chemical Engineering

2) To be able to pass my piano grade 8 exam and officially finish the piano grades

3) Lose 8kg to go back to my original weight (before I came to the UK for the 1st time)

4) To understand the meaning of life and to live life with no regrets

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Hahaha~ Easy goals eh? NOT! I'll work hard for those, I'm a living proof that dreams and miracles can come true, and I'll make this happen again... With hard work, determination and great motivation, I'm sure I can encounter whatever obstacles thats blocking my way, push them aside and achieve the goals i desired. I'm here for a reason, and to make my parents proud, I'll do my best...

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My purpose in UK is to study and also to have a different life experience.. yes, Im having a different life experience right now, but if i were to give advise to people, if you're thinking of going to either Aus or UK, I would suggest Aus if you want to enjoy a better life, just because of the UK weather, due to global "COOLING", the weather has been really messed up, the sun could be shining brightly but the air is DAMN COLD, and u'll hate walking around outside, IMAGINE WINTER! And Snow, people, Snow in TV where people seem to enjoy it and playing happily outside, its all A LIE! Yes, you'll feel excited for the 1st time and after tht experience, you'll HATE IT! I swear people did die from the snow, im serious!!! Its because its so slippery, you'll fall and it so hard to walk around, it cause disruptions to your daily life, well, in UK it does whereas in Canada, it snows all the time there, and so they know what to do... Australia is a better weather for us Asians, its easier to adapt there and the holidays in Australia is better, you get to go home for Christmas and New year and CNY!! Whereas us in the UK, yeah, we go back from June- September, but whats there to celebrate? Well, yeah, if you go back to the UK late, we can celebrate Hari Raya but thats not the point.. HAHA!

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I can say at times I do regret coming to the UK, but this is what I wanted initially, I worked hard for it and went through sufferings for it, I've made it here and so I should not regret but work harder and achieve my true goal, a M.Eng Honours Degree in Chemical Engineering and Aim for a good position in one of the ministries of Brunei... I know this might never happen, but i dream to become one of a minister in Brunei, the first Female, Chinese Minister of Brunei... Such ambition.. Hahaha..

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A dream is a dream, and it is the starting point of a goal... My blog is not dead now since I've blogged and so thats all folks! Have a good new year and wishing everyone good health and wealth!

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Xin Nian Kuai Le!

-Annie May-