Nothing-ness

You know when you get that feeling of sudden anger and then you regret it later on when you did something stupid... ya, im feeling that now... These tears just keeps running down drop by drop just because i dont know how to fix this...

Life is getting tiring for me, with so much goals and things to do... Exams coming up soon, and im no where near tht point, projects and labs, the work load, its alot but im still slacking, everytime when i wana do something, i lose tht motivation.... Piano exam is in March/April and Im due to register inJan but what is my progress now? Did i improve or isit still the same? I feel like such a failure but i feel so tired... I want to stand up but im giving myself excuses to fall down... Its like i dont want to stand up... Temper is getting worse and worse, i cant smile as i used to, those happy and genuine smiles, its almost over, its almost gone...

Back then, the happy and patient me, could go around being naive and gullible, enjoying life when i can and suffer at those correct points of time.... I could laugh at small matters, put it behind me and then move on... but now, i see myself as this gloomy emo person, everytime i watch an anime, i feel its such a cool characteristic, but its not me... What i feel now is not tht cool-nesss, i feel lonely... i feel alone in this world... ya, i used to talk about friends and family around me but do i really have those people in my life? would they come to my bedside if i died? yeah, mom and dad would but friends, do i really have those ppl in my life? A lover....Do i really have someone who loves me for who i m? Can they accept this me in their life? These sadness and negativity flowing from this body of mine?

Im crying again now.. but i dont know what to do.... Why did i blew up, why did i get so angry? It was a small matter, and i blame it on my limits, my patience limits but honestly i dont know why... Why did i get angry, why did i get so emotional, its not PMS, if i had PMS, it would totally explain it. but do you know why? Can you give me a reason and explaination? This heart of mine has turned darker and darker... Can i just stab this heart of mine and let the black blood flow out?

*I wrote this as an open diary, if you have any stupid comments, dont bother to write it and keep it in your head/heart, i dont need anything else to make me feel worse, thank u*